Why doesn't my child do as they are told?

Children not doing as they are told is a common complaint amongst parents of children with neurodiverse conditions such as Autism and ADHD. All too often, instead of asking ‘why’ and looking deeper into what is going on, PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) is suggested and advice given for that.

However, there are several possible reasons why your child is so difficult and why they consistently don’t do as they are told. Surely it makes sense to first investigate to understand what is going on so that appropriate interventions can then be put in place? Some of the possible reasons are below. This is not an exhaustive list.

1. Lack of Understanding

The first thing to establish is whether or not the child is consistently understanding. Many children learn to make it look as if they have understood when actually they haven’t. It may even be the case that they think they have understood, but then discover that they haven’t. This kind of thing is common when there are processing issues.

A child can think they have understood because they have caught the words and understood them. But what they have not managed to do is to understand them as a coherent whole. Or it could be the case that your child has managed to process the first part of what you said but nothing else. In both cases, it is impossible to carry out the instructions.

If your child has unrecognised mono-processing, and their hearing channel is not functioning, they will not be able to process what you said at all. Confusingly this can be intermittent and sometimes they follow at least some of what is said and sometimes they don’t.

2. Exposure Anxiety

Exposure Anxiety can be difficult to identify, but can be a key reason why your child is avoiding demands. Exposure Anxiety is anxiety that is provoked when your child has to expose something about themselves. This can show as an extreme aversion to being the centre of attention.

Sometimes taking the focus off the child and onto the task itself is all that is required.

3. Control and compulsion issues

Some autistic children have difficulties controlling their bodies. Their body seems to have a mind of its own and will do something different to what they actually want to do. This can cause problems with following instructions. It is extremely frustrating for the child. Just imagine wanting something but what comes out of your mouth is a desire for something else? Or wanting to play with one toy but your body picking up something else.

Compulsion issues can look like bad behaviour as your child’s body compulsively does something and your child can’t control it. Then your child is even more frustrated when told off for doing something wrong.

4. Distraction

If your child is easily distracted, they may fully intend to carry out your instruction and go off to do it, but then get distracted by something (which could even be their own thoughts) and forget to do the task.

5. Very poor short term memory

If your child has very poor short term memory, something that is common in dyslexia, then they may not be able to remember more than 2 or 3 things. They may even forget one single task while on their way to complete it.

6. Unhappiness

For children with neurodevelopmental conditions school can be extremely challenging. Being different can make them an easy target for bullying. They may have no friends and be very lonely.

Your child will not be able to tell you what is wrong and may not even be able to tell you that there is a problem. Their only way of communicating their distress is to be naughty or not do as they are told. In these cases, their behaviour may be their only way of crying out for help. Note that this behaviour is not necessarily deliberate. Your child may not understand why they can’t be ‘good’.

Of course, if your child has difficulties with one or more of the above then stress and/or unhappiness will make the issue worse.

Interventions

It is very important to investigate and uncover the cause or causes of what is going on. Often various issues combine and that can make it difficult to separate out the different causes. However, it is vital to make the effort to ensure the correct interventions are put in place. The wrong intervention will make things worse.

So if there is anxiety behind what is going on, the worst thing you can do is to pander to that anxiety: this just makes the anxiety worse and you could easily end up intractable anxiety. Instead, it is vital to help your child face up to the problems and help them to work out strategies to overcome them. Of course, if there is bullying or ostracising issues at school, these will need to be dealt with as well.

Clearly very different interventions will be required for processing issues and issues around distraction. In fact for all the above, understanding what is going on is key to devising effective interventions.

Note that the wrong interventions, even those which work for another child can make the situation worse. Investigation and understanding is vital.

Beware of one size fits all solutions based on symptoms

It is vitally important to recognise that even if your child has a diagnosis of Autism or ADHD, those diagnoses actually tell you very little about your child. They just mean that your child meets a set of diagnostic criteria based on symptoms. These diagnoses tell you nothing about what is causing the symptoms and can therefore not tell you how to help your child.

Similarly other suggested ‘diagnoses’ like PDA (not a valid diagnosis in the UK) are also based on symptoms and not the causes of those symptoms. It provides no more than a one size fits all solution to a set of symptoms - symptoms that could have many potential causes. If your child is struggling at school despite interventions according to diagnosis, that is most likely also because the school is applying a one size fits all solutions to diagnosis.

If you want to help your child and improve your home life, the correct interventions are vital. The only way to determine what these are, is to investigate what is causing the symptoms.

There is no point multiplying labels based on symptoms. Doing so can potentially harm your child by curtailing future options. It is important to consider how such terms might be perceived, especially in situations like employment. Who would want to employ someone who does not do what they are asked to do?

We can help

If you feel overwhelmed or uncertain about where to start, consider joining the Minds in Depth community. Our platform empowers you with the knowledge and tools to uncover the root causes of your child’s challenges, helping you to develop personalised strategies that truly work for them. Rather than offering ready-made answers, we guide you in gaining the confidence and understanding to create solutions tailored to your child’s needs. Alternatively, you can inquire about an assessment which applies the Integrative Cognitive Profiling Framework to gain deeper insights into your child’s strengths and needs.